Hey, hey kiddies, been a long time, so I figured it was time for Ol’ Caiman to chime in. I knew they Gators weren’t playing so I took my sweet ass time. That’s what I do. It’s a Spanish culture thing, you wouldn’t understand gringo. Besides, what better did you have to do this weekend? Have a belated Christopher Columbus or Leif Erikson Day Fiesta? No one in Mexico celebrates those two jokers; its Francisco Coronado or nada here amigos!
All I can say is CARAMBA! That last game was demasiado! Awesome! Too bad it was another loss, because it should not have been. It was like you pounded your opponent for 99 and a half rounds and then LSU got a quick few jabs in the last half round. But since the refs were home-towners, they decided in favor of your opponent. And yes, 100 rounds is for real Luchadors you pussy ass pussasses! Nonetheless, I am still saddened by your loss. Ok.
The Gators may have lost, but not the Caiman. I dominated this keg. It was all like "don't taze me bro!" So I said "fine," and power bombed that fucker in the pool. Oh, I emptied it first to be polite. I promise.
But do not lament this recent loss for long. Your future is very bright at the University of Florida. 100 watt bulb in a 60 watt socket bright. Joe Haden will be a lockdown corner for you. Major Wright is a wrecking ball in a blighted neighborhood of balsa wood houses. Maurkice Pouncey is more valuable on the line than NHGator in an intramural game. And Tim I’m The Freaking Second Coming of Jesus Tebow is the next best thing since sliced tortilla. I can’t even focus on the loss, because I can’t stop thinking about Harvin and Tebow jointly raising the crystal football at the end of the 2008 BCS Championship in Miami. Oh, I’m calling it. I was born with a natural soothsaying talent, bitches! Only the Caiman had George Mason in the final four and Appalachian State beating Michigan. Stanford beating USC, no, I did not see. Si, sometimes soothsaying is affecting by bias ESPN reporting. Dynasty my anus cavity.
Take this week to calm down and relax el Gatores. You’ve won more in 2 years than most schools will win in the next 50. Don’t get greedy. Ok. Fuck that. Get greedy. You should want more titles. But know that they’re coming. The talent is too much, and the coaching too good. Just because you may end up in the Sugar, or Citrus, or Outback (God forbid) bowl, make sure you tell people that you could beat whomever ends up the national champs. If its LSU, you can claim we had them on the ropes for 59 minutes and they got lucky. If its Cal, we romped a team they only beat. If its SoCal, tell em we could beat Stanford by 60 points on the moon, cause we’re the God damned SEC. Cocky is the name of the game, and we play that shit like caffeinated old people working the bingo board. And screw you South Carolina, you make the name Cocky appropriate to say in a 5th grade classroom or church, and all that shit. Your mascot needs to die a miserable death with Virginia Tech and be served up at someone’s Thanksgiving dinner. Cocky is for awesome badass nun-smackers, cup stealing luchadors, whiskey funnelers like us, and the blessed Florida Gators! Wow, that was a rant. But you deserved it non-believers!
I hope I have your attention now.
Florida will win the SEC this year I shit you not. I also shit you knot. And shit you naught. That’s how serious I am.
Tennessee will lose to either Kentucky, South Carolina, or Arkansas. And the Gators will win out. I’m confident in that. Urban is due to out-coach this Senor Steve Spurrier. And when Florida matches up with either Auburn or LSU again on neutral Astroturf, their superior speed will shine. Defensive backs will be Wilbur and Orville Wright, and Percy and Bubba will be SR-71 Blackbirds. (And yes, I get it, there are faster planes now. But our Mexican readers will get the analogy better dick faces) Tim Tebow will also have evolved from a dump truck with nitrous boosters to a steamroller with a shuttle orbiter rocket attached. And yeah, don’t bother looking it up on wikipedia. It’s the big orange one that falls off the Space Shuttle into the Atlantic every launch. Except Tim’s will stay attached, allowing him to crush jackasses like Glenn Dorsey and Quentin Groves every play. He will eat your babies with a little pepper and Crystal hot sauce. Because that’s how Tim rolls…hot, but not too hot. Like YOUR woman! Chris Richard must have a successor! HAHAHA!
You'll be seeing a lot more of this. No, not just UF #1, but Mexicans sneaking in on a raft. With kegs. Hey, if you're ever gonna take us in Florida, we might as well be equipped with goods I'm I right? Damn yeah I am. You people love beer.
Whoooaaaa. The Caiman is f’n hammered and did not realize the late hour. He must now attend to the courtyard of muchachas waiting for his pene! And by pene, I really mean his dinero. But occasionally, the Caiman wraps his pene con dinero, and it works out for everyone. Ah, what Mexican women and Florida State chicas won’t do for a peso always surprises me. Desperation is a stinky cologne, one that I spray all over myself every Tuesday..
Adios Gators. I’ll see you when I see you. Which is probably never you nobodies!
~~ Caiman del Pantano