We said aloha to Hawaii. Now we say aloha to Hawaii and aloha to Miami. Confused? Well you wouldn’t be if you just took some damn time to learn the native tongue of King Kamehameha. Guess the Gator Safe Room is gonna have to redshirt you this year while you order your Rosetta Stone software, Polynesian illiterate.
Aloha! Moi hele' kake moli moli tuua ah ah ah! TRANSLATION: Hello/Goodbye! Do you like my giant radish helmet ah ah ah!
Speaking of illiterates in any language but espanol (and even then it’s iffy) – let’s talk Miami, our north Cuban rivals, the Randy Shannonites, or as they emphasize with such mastery of the English language…da U.
Prior to this Saturday’s game at 8PM in the Swamp, it appears the battle has already begun between the Hurricanes and the Gators over this simple moniker. It stems from a quote given yesterday by Louis Murphy, who decided a little friendly smack talk would build anticipation for the game. Murphy also must have figured there is little chance Ray Lewis will murder him for this. Note, I didn’t say “no chance whatsoever,” so note to Louis: buddy up with Ronnie, sorry, Ron Wilson this week.
“We're the 'U,'” Murphy said. “I don't refer to them as the 'U.' I refer to them as Miami. If the 'U' is for university and winning championships, we're the 'U.' They are Miami, and that's what I call them.”
Oh. Snap.
That’s right putas. We are no longer going into your kitchen, stealing your cheese, and making a sandwich…we’re stealing your shitty ass moniker. And we did it from the comfort of our own Hogtowne couches, while playing Guitar Hero Aerosmith, on fucking expert! Why? Because we can. And it goes great in our nickname collection that includes “THE Ohio State,” “Kentucky” and/or “Wildcats,” and “**Vandy Dandies.”
**Attempts have been made to return this nickname, but even Vanderbilt refuses to take it back. We regret stealing it in the 18th century.
Can you blame us for taking it? We hadn’t taken anything from you since 1985 until Matt Patchan. Now, with “da U,” we’re on a damn roll. A roll that will continue on Saturday night like a rolling steamroller over a roll of tootsie rolls. I wanted to use specific “rolly” imagery to emphasize the speed and veracity of this roll we are on. Roll. Roll. Roll.
Know your rolls!
In your current nomenclature predicament, here are some suggestions that might help you re-find your identity.
“Da You” – Selfless baby. Selfless. It’s all about da YOU.
“Da Ewe” – You could be the meanest female sheep. Ever. Biblical scary.
“Da Yu” – Could be big with the asian recruits…eh? Think about it rearry harrrd.
“Da W” – Double U…that’s twice the power of only 1 “U.” How have you never thought of this.
But I tell you what…in the spirit of good sportsmanship, we will give back “da U” at the conclusion of Saturday night’s contest. Frankly, it’s stupid and sounds retarded when every one of your gazillion former players introduces himself with it during first drives in NFL games. We never wanted it anyway. We just want to defile it in front of you this Saturday. And we will. We are a high profile porn producer and your precious nickname is an 18 year old blonde from Kansas who came to Hollywood to be a movie star and will do anything to break into the film industry. We won’t use lube. Every orifice is game. The test shoot will last for a delightful 4 hours. And Louis Murphy is giving the money shot.
Following all that, “da U” is all yours again Miami.
This guy will be happy to have "U" back on Sunday.
After all, you won’t be able to spell Humanitarian Bowl without dat “U.”