I return. Mas apologies for my extended break from the renowned Gator Safe Room.
Back. Crazy. And ready to make sure FSU linebackers enjoy their bowl game in Boise or San Francisco.
For those interested, I’ve been hiking through the villages of Quintana Roo as a candidate for Gobernador of the state. No Senor, I don’t have any aspirations for higher office. I just like the lonely housewives that come to the door and see EL CAIMAN!! Aye, they are willing to try anything in the sack…the Mexican Meat Pie, the Pueblo Power Punch, Soplame Stubby, and mi favorito, the wheelbarrow of the uno puerta AND dos puerta variety.
Si, like this, but with more penetration. PENETRATION!
You can’t get that kind of action in a Peruvian Whorehouse/Chicken Farm. You heard me correctly; those bitches really know how to efficiently run a business down in Peru. Consolidation is key!
Despite my travels, I’ve been able to keep up with the Florida Gators. I have been passing the growing legend of Tebow along to every man, woman and child I met along the way. Many of the ladies were passed a little Caimanorrhea if you know what I mean. The improved social status is worth it. WORTH IT IF YOU CAN PAY FOR MEXI-HEALTH CARE LIKE CAIMAN!!! HAHA, I got to get that shit cleared up, mucho pronto.
So I hear its rivalry week. Florida State, the equivalent of rats running through the feces strewn tunnels; even worse, FSU is equivalent of circus peanuts falling from a piñata. Ughhhh, circus peanuts. And Damn, I was so excited for candy and you filled it up with this crap! Buy some real candy MOM! Oops, lo siento, minor flashback there. But no issues here, really. Yo amo mi madre!
Caiman knows where Floaters waster removal totes it...Tallahassee.
I also hear that some 3rd rate linebacker clown named Geno is mouthing off about taking Tebow out. Let me advise you mouthy Seminole penis lover. If at first you don’t succeed, you’re not Tim Tebow. Of which you are not, Mr. Hayes, and thus you will certainly not succeed in taking out 46 touchdowns, bowled over every other linebacker this season, and can travel back in time to convince your old man to wear a raincoat, even though he’s drunk and doesn’t wanna, Tebow.
Tebow will use your face as a springboard to New York City, where he’ll be picking up the first of what should be multiple Heismans. I’m not even sure what that is, but its better than any award you’ll ever win Geno, unless of course you manage to win the Nobel Prize. But just so you know, Tebow will win those too because he’ll eventually get around to crying so we can cure cancer. HE OWNS YOU BITCH. Just wanted you to know so you can prepare yourself for humiliation of the worst kind.
That is all.
I’ll be back with more next week with more, but the Mexican Holiday Inns are always cheaping out on the wi-fi. Casa sweet casa next week. For now I’m going to threaten small children. NEED CUPS! NECESSITO CUPS BABY!
Oh, and Feliz Navidad Gators. Choke on ornaments Noles.
Hell yeah! Air Guitar! Trans-Siberian Orchestra Here I come!
~~Caiman del Pantano