By italiangator on 9/4/2008 10:08 AM

You bitches thought I was gone.  And you know what?  You were right, for about three seconds.  (That's what she said.)  I let you keep thinking it through the first week of the season.  Let's face it, the first few weeks suck.  We love them only because it's been nine long-ass months since we've had college football, but in reality they suck, filled with games that might look like they could be ok, but really aren't.  USCw-UVA?  Sucked.  LSU-App. St.?  Sucked.  USCe-NC State.  Holy God, sucked monkey balls.  Seriously, anyone who watched that game and then saw USCe show up in the Top 25 is now convinced that people are irrepressible idiots destined to blow themselves up in a freak incident involving Big Blue, Dubya and a pack of Twizzlers. 

But anyhoo, it's now getting to the second week, so I decided to bust out the whooping stick on your ears again.  We'll get to this weekend soon enough, but for now it's enough to know that football's back in a few hours- at least as much as USCe-Vandy should be considered a game.  But let me be the first to tell you that notwithstanding the obvious move of benching Beecher and starting Smelley, USCe will yet again find their stint in the Top 25 cut short by a Vandy team that scares the bejeezus out of me even in September.  Seeing Vandy coming at you out of the chute is like seeing Amy Winehouse coming at you on the sidewalk.  You aren't scared that she can take you, but she could stab you with an infected needle, thus scarring you for life.  I was going to insert a photo here, but decided against it because I never want to see either Amy Winehouse or Vandy ever again.  But I do like gratuitous pics, so here's everyone's favorite unemployed (until the end of the Open) tennis star.

Where the white women at? /Chris Rainey'd

(Oh yeah, Chris Rainey would steal your women.  But he won't.  Because Jeff Demps got there first.)

 

 

By italiangator on 1/19/2008 5:40 PM

Ah, college football and drinking- a match made in the devil's heaven.  In that vein, NH Gator and I have been sitting around here, watching football, but there's a bit of a lull in the early evening hour.  In that lull, we must place something.  Now, some of you may say, "Not every blank space in life must be filled by alcohol."  And that may be correct.  But I'm guessing that anyone who would say that isn't reading this blog.  And if you are, stop reading this blog.  So without further ado, the GatorSafeRoom presents...

THE "IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA" DRINKING GAME

1) When the gang has a drink= one drink.

2) When the gang makes Dee feel inadequate= one drink.

3) When someone pulls out a gun= one drink.

4) When Dennis displays his vanity= one drink.

5) When the gang says "shit"= one drink.

6) When Dennis says "Bro" or "Dude"= one drink.

7) When Mac flexes= one drink.

8) When the gang refers to Dee as "Sweet Dee"= one drink.

9) When Charlie displays his illiteracy= two drinks.

10) When a fight breaks out= two drinks.

11) When the McPoyles imply incest= two drinks.

12) When Frank calls someone a "whooore"= two drinks.

13) When Charlie does inhalants= three drinks.

14) When Charlie dances= three drinks.

15) When you hear Rick Astley= four drinks.

Go forth, and play this game.  And if you don't score with that cute chick from the coffee shop, it's probably our fault.  Yeah, you didn't score tonight because we gave you these rules, we made you watch TV instead of going out to the club.  Fucking hell, stop blaming me and start looking in the goddamn mirror, you piece of shit.  Jesus.

By italiangator on 12/3/2007 11:43 AM

Suck it.

Sincerely,

Me

By italiangator on 11/16/2007 3:07 PM

So let's look at the situation.  Dennis Dixon and Tim Tebow are locked in a pretty dead heat in the race for the Heisman.  There are over 900 voters in this race, but as proved last night, the only one that matters is the one who begot Tim Tebow, recognizing him as his Son and Savior of the human race.  And by human race, I mean Florida fans, because the rest of you people aren't worth saving.

And God weighed in last night, taking down Dixon with just his mind- that's telekinesis, Kyle.  Now, here's the thing:  Dixon's a great player and a legitimate candidate, and I hope he gets better so that his career doesn't end like this.  But you ask any football coach who they'd take out of the two, and the only ones saying that they'd take Dixon are going to be Charlie Weis, Bill Callahan, and Dennis Franchione.  Let's get this straight:  Tim Tebow is the best college football player in the country.  And in this wacky season of football, there's no default 'senior on a national championship contender' to go to, now that Dixon looks to be out until after the trophy presentation.  Therefore, after Jesus finishes up waxing FAU and FSU, he'll be sitting up at the Downtown Athletic Club, the first sophomore to ever receive the award.

And Ohio State fans are going to be livid.  Why, you ask?

             Why ask why? 

Because they're going to see visions of Florida pwning them yet again, as the spectre of having a 3-time Heisman winner rears its ugly head.  Just think:  we take a football national championship away, then a basketball national championship, and then Tim Tebow relegates Archie Griffin to being a footnote in the annals of Western History.  Let's be clear:  it doesn't matter if it happens or not, there mere possibility will eat them up.  Just when they were relieved to be beat by someone other than UF (even if it was a team led by the Zooker), UF sneaks in, twists Dennis Dixon's knee, and threatens to tear down all that is holy in OSU football.

Hell, that should be reason enough for voters to back Tebow- who doesn't love the taste of sweet, sweet OSU tears?  That reminds me, I hope they liked the chili I sent them...

By italiangator on 11/8/2007 12:50 PM

Well, the game is almost here that never meant a damn thing until the ol' HBC decided to take over for Thtutering Lou after a brief stint with the Redskins.  Of which, everybody bitches about the 'Skins being a racist nickname, which it is, but nobody ever asks about why the hell they're called that in the first place.  I mean, do you really want to be represented by a mascot that can be defeated by a simple cholera-laced blanket?  Yeah, they had hatchets and all, but if you could cough on them before they hit you with it you'd be good to go.  And yeah, that goes for FSU too- unconquered my ass, if that was true then Osceola wouldn't have died in prison.  And what did he die of?  What's that you say?  Malaria?  Oh, ok.  I wonder if in 150 years we'll have sports teams like the 'Washington People Who Didn't Wear a Condom in the 1980's.'  Kind of catchy, no?

Anyhoo, back to the target at hand.  Florida takes the trek to Columbia, a godforsaken place if I've ever seen one.  Hell, even their stadium looks like a Venus flytrap, a gapping mouth waiting to swallow anyone in its path (kind of like Kim Kardashian in that way I suppose). 

                           

                             

I didn't even have to pay for it, some guy just had me close my eyes and suck it out of a tube.

I remember the first time I went to USC for a game, SOS was coaching for the good guys.  It was about 35° outside and raining, and towards the end of the first half Spurrier sent all the guys who weren't on the field into the locker room to get warm.  I'd wager that there weren't 2,000 people who stuck around for the second half of that game.  But this isn't about me and my degenerate gambling.  This is about the fact that nowadays, the gameday atmosphere at USC is awesome and fully worth experiencing for anyone.  Just stay away from downtown.  And midtown.  You know, you should probably just go from 5 Points to the stadium and back to 5 Points.  Anywhere else and you're risking a nasty bout with hepatitis (which, unlike pussy malaria, is no fun- although malaria of the pussy would be awful too.  Just ask Kim Kardashian).

I'm looking forward to this game though.  Hopefully Auburn will have beaten Georgia and Arkansas will have beaten Tennessee earlier in the day.  That way, when we manage to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory, it'll hurt that much more, just like it should.  Because remember, despite the fortunes of the last few years, being a Florida fan is not about glory.  It's about pain.  Mindnumbing, blindly filled with rage pain.  And the ability to drink that pain away. 

                                     

Note the Black Sheep of Canadian Liqueurs- and she'll always be at home waiting, not running off like that trampy wife of yours.

By italiangator on 11/6/2007 9:32 PM

Ah, a classic roundup of the week that was...if your recollection of roundup includes pregnant chicks, god-fearing Notre Dame fans, and Kirby Freeman.  And if it does, you're a sick sonofabitch.

So let's kick off with the 'controversy' that happened over at a top-notch blog the other day, Blue-Gray Sky.

These guys are, along with SMQB, Deadspin, and EDSBS, some of the godfathers of the sports blogging world.  After the loss to Navy, Jay sleeps on it, wakes up even angrier, and posts an expletive-ladden piece castigating just about everyone within Weis' orbit (which, obviously, is a very powerful orbit- I'd guess he's in a running contest with Saturn to see who can draw in and consume the most matter).  Now, apparently, Notre Dame is a Catholic school, which means they were all pissed because there were no pics of Michael throwing a party at the Neverland Ranch.  I kid, I kid.  No, but seriously, I'm not kidding.  There was such an uproar over the language that Jay used that he wound up pulling the piece.  Which is a bunch of goddamn horseshit (see there ND fans?  It's nice to not believe in the big scary guy in the sky, it let's your prose go where it may).  Thankfully, Brian over at Mgoblog saved the diatribe, so it can still be enjoyed.  I highly recommend it.  Also, apparently cursing while using the Lord's name in vain can get you somewhere, like a bowl win.  Maybe if you didn't keep on pissing off the Buddha, he'd let you win a few games.  In the end, it's the Internet.  You don't like what someone has to say, don't read it.  Holy shit, that's like the rest of life too!  I just blew my mind.

Speaking of blowing, in other news, UT center Josh McNeil is caught by cops with three drunk girls in his bed.  Seriously, look at him.  How the fuck does this guy get tripled down on by coeds?  It's a grand world out there for football players.  I don't even have anything snarky to say about this, I'm just amazed.

Miami QB Kirby Freeman finishes with 84 yards passing on the day against NC State.  He only had 13 incompletions.  And 1 completion.  That, folks, is how you suck.  And he's still going to bang 3 chicks tonight that are hotter than the ones McNeil is going after.  "Repeat after me, class:  D is for 'douche.'  Doooouuuche."

And, finally, the reason why Florida football is the sux9rs and everyone else sucks donkey nuts:  ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Mr. Duke Lemmens:  asked if he could tell the Mike and Maurkice Pouncey apart, he responded 'I just call them 'Pouncey.'  That way you're never wrong.  It's like trying to guess if a girl is pregnant.   You just don't want to do it.'   With the presence of Tim Tebow and Reggie Fuckin' Nelson in Gainesville the last two years, I'm guessing that Duke hasn't seen many girls who aren't pregnant lately anyways.

            

  Oh snap!  I didn't know RFN looked at Halle once!  Way to go Reggie.

By italiangator on 11/3/2007 9:50 AM

Traditionally, this is bar-none the worst day of my year.  It's even worse than my annual trip to the free clinic.  Vandy scares the shit out of me, always have, and always will.  Even in recent years, when Vandy has moved into the realm of respectability, there's nothing to be gained by beating them, and everything to be lost by losing.  Both of our national championships have come through nailbiters at Vandy, and the overtime game a few years ago was a torture that I wouldn't wish on Donald Rumsfeld himself.  Actually, I would, but whatever, fuck that guy.

Today is no different.  We've got 3 healthy defensive linemen.  Not 3 healthy starters.  3.  Total.  We've thrown a true freshman offensive lineman over there, which may be the best move of the year, but it still says alot about the state of the defense right now.  Major Wright is still going to be playing with a club on his hand, Tebow's nursing his shoulder, and little Brandon James is getting the start at tailback.  Throw in a Vandy defense that has given up the least amount of TDs in the conference this year, and this game is beautifully set up for me to commit hari-kiri around 3:45. 

But still, it's Vandy.  I expect to win (well, I always expect to win- kind of like Luke Skywalker.  But that motherfucker got his hand cut off, so you never know.).  Throw in the fact that T.S. Noel is bearing down on the Boston area right now, which means it's going to seem like the end of the world outside mid-afternoon, and so god help me if it seems like the end of the world inside too.  Just wish I had my boy PL3 to help put things in perspective, with gems like 'I can't have this on my conscious.'

   

No conscious?  No problem.

In the end though, it's Homecoming.  I love homecoming:  crappy comics, half-hearted and watered-down skits, old alumni plying the young folk with Crown Royal, it all spells a good time.  Hopefully the players will appreciate it as well, it's been over a month since the last game at home, and that one didn't end so well either.  So let's hope everything rights itself today, and my drinking straight from the whiskey bottle will be done out of joy rather than anger.  Because remember kids, you don't ever want to do drugs out of anger.  Do drugs out of hope and joy.  Just like the baby Jesus.  What, you think frankincense is just an aromatic?  Sheeeeeit.

By italiangator on 10/31/2007 8:10 PM

Let's face it, the last few weeks have been draining on us Florida fans.  But you know what was more draining?  Having to celebrate national championships every couple of months, so instead of crying in our giant stadium cups full of bourbon and bourbon (I like to put little bourbon ice cubes in there too, keeps things colder than Notre Dame's bowl history over the last few years), let's take a look at a few of this week's games.

Thurs. Nov. 2:  Va Tech at Ga Tech

Now here's what I want to watch:  a team that apparently really is America's Team (comes in hard and strong, can't finish the job) against a bunch of engineers who can't figure out how to make X equal anything other than .5833333333.  This is really the kind of game that used to characterize the Thursday night games until the Big East decided to start playing with the big boys- two teams that you'd never watch with a full slate of games, but what the hell, it's better than watching the NBA.  Or MLB.  Or hock...what am I saying, hockey's been on strike for the last 3 years.  What?  They're back on?  Oh, they'll show me all the good fights online the next day?  And I don't have to watch the games?  Perfect.

Sat. Nov. 4:  Wisconsin at Ohio State

I shit you not, this is how hard ESPN is trying to justify OSU at the top right now:  "It's back-to-back ranked teams for No.1 Ohio State as it hosts No. 21 Wisconsin."  You have got to be fucking kidding me.  The first game was against a 25th ranked Penn State, in a year when nobody wants to be in the Top 10 or the Top 25 anyways.  And now you're going to bring Wisconsin at me?  The only good thing to come out of Wisconsin is the SugarBear (half Jack, half butterscotch schnappes- the ladies love it), and it's damn sure that this team isn't any good.  5 out of Florida's last 6 were against ranked teams, including the last 4 in a row.  Fuck off, ESPN.

Sat. Nov. 4:  Troy at Georgia

Classic possibility for a letdown game, but I don't see it happening.  Let me take a minute here to state on the record my feelings on the Richt incident so that I can then drop it from here on out.  As a fan, I don't have a problem with it, it's one of the ballsiest moves I've seen from a coach in a long time.  As a Florida fan, I don't have a problem with it, since it fired up the UF sideline as well- I just wish he had done it again in the 3rd quarter.  So here's a big tip o the hat and Fuck You to Coach Richt- I hope next year we send someone over to your sideline to powerbomb you (perhaps the Caiman?).

Sat. Nov. 4:  ASU at Oregon

I'll take the school with the pornstar cheerleaders.  But wait, she got kicked off the squad, so I'm pretty sure that means that now God is pissed off at them (because if anybody loves DVDA, it's the Lord).  So on second thought, going to have to give Oregon the nod here, and hope that Erickson brings a bottle of scotch to the postgame press conference.

                     
Scotch scotch scotch, I love scotch.  Wait, am I Dennis Erickson?  Trippy.

 

 

By italiangator on 10/27/2007 7:03 PM

Well, Hello, Mr. Wild Turkey.

Fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

And that is all I have to say about that. 

Oh yeah, we would still beat BC by two touchdowns.

By italiangator on 10/26/2007 8:10 AM

I've kept up a bit with the running commentary that Salty and Hurricane1 have been having in the ShoutBox, and that coupled with last night's VT/BC game as well as my most recent Top 25 compelled me to write a bit about this year's season.

They say that it's a 60 minute game, and you have to play all 60.  If that's true, then BC should drop in the rankings like a DG's panties tonight at the Landing.  They proved for 58 minutes that they were not as good as VT, a team that has many, many problems of their own (um, like say, offense?).  So why should they (and Matt Ryan, who will inevitably be propped up as a legit Heisman candidate as a result of the final two drives) by rewarded by anyone for that performance?  I watched the entire game.  BC playing LSU or Florida would result in a game so lopsided it would make Tara Reid's first boob job look like it was performed by God himself (which I suppose would make actually make it her second boob job performed by God, why did he have to screw up the first time?  Omnipotent, my ass.). 

My Top 25 this week is unabashedly homerific.  I have UF at number 1, why?  Because when I look at putting UF against any other team on a neutral bowl site, I believe that UF will win.  This comes from watching games, not from watching scoreboards.  It also obviously comes from my subjective point of view, but until you bitches start paying me to be objective, screw off.  But in the end, in this wacky season where upsets abound, I see no reason to reward teams like BC, Hawaii, and OSU who after watching them (which OSU is the only one who I haven't paid close attention to for an entire game, only snippets) I realized were not very good at all.

Of course, we'll never really know the answers to the head-to-head hypotheticals, just as we'll never know exactly how much semen will be pumped from Britney's lifeless body (I mean, c'mon, you'd think somebody over there will have a graduated cylinder, but noooooo, there will be "privacy concerns").  That being the case, the more arguments the better- and if anyone can watch the game last night and tell me with a straight face that BC deserves to be #2 because they should expect to beat all the teams ranked beneath them, I'll call that person "Jeff" for the rest of his/her life.

                     Jeff's a fuckin' liar, Timmy!

By italiangator on 10/13/2007 8:08 PM

You know how when you're watching a horror movie, and the cheerleader and/or token black guy are being chased around by the psycho, and they get to the shed and find a chainsaw.  And they're like, "Fuck yeah, come get some now you wacked-out axe murderer!"  And then you see that the axe murderer is right outside the door, and they cut back to the two in the shed, and the guy goes to start up the chainsaw, and...nothing...sputter...sputter...and then they realize that it's out of gas?  And you knew they were going to die anyways, but this just solidifies it?  Yeah, that just happened to LSU.  They were wielding their chainsaw members, and went to pull the cord, and...nothing. 

Which pretty much means that the only safe team in the SEC is whoever has the bye week.  Which, thankfully for us, this week is Florida.  People throw around this "Which conference is strongest" argument like so many nickels while trying to get a homeless guy to stop chasing you.  But here's the secret:  nobody actually wants their conference to be the strongest.  You want to be good enough to get some respect, and that's it.  Because this shit is deadly.  There is no game in the SEC that can be taken even a little bit for granted.  The traditional powers are still there, the doormats are knocking off at least a team a week, and the middle of the pack is battling like hell to not be forcibly assaulted in a very uncomfortable place by whichever power or doormat they may be taking on that week. 

      What, like the back of a Volkswagen?

No, not like the back of a Volkswagen, you sorry little Kevin-Smith-joke-recycler.  Like in the ass.  Because that's what it's like.  Being a fan in the SEC is not fun.  It's pain, and not a good pain like you read about in the Penthouse Forum, it's real pain.  My blood pressure is so low right now for the sole reason that we aren't on the field this week.  Ask an LSU fan how much fun it is.  Ask Georgia fans how relieved they are to have avoided dropping their second straight to Vandy.  And all you get to do is lace 'em back up next week.  Who are we playing next, Kentucky?  Looks like my local Chinese restaurants are going to be seeing me alot this week, gotta get psyched up for the 'Cats.

By italiangator on 10/12/2007 4:47 PM

I'll tell you who I've got- Hawaii/San Jose St.  And it's not just because I might get a glimpse of the lovely Brandi.

                          

Maybe she can tell you why there's an apostrophe in Hawai'i.

Now, I'm on the record as to my feelings on regular season baseball- it's boring, it's largely inconsequential, and you're pretty much just sitting around waiting for the good Lord to call you back home.  Counter that to college football, in which every game is important and there is no tomorrow for teams like Hawaii if they slip up once against a team like SJ St.  It's essentially like telling the Yankees that if they lose to the Rays, they're no longer eligible for any sort of championship.

But I've always just kept this opinion to regular season baseball, on account of its length and the asinine idea that games in May aren't as important as games in September (news flash:  a game is a game is a game, if you win two in May then you don't need to win one in September- just look at the Yankees trying to catch the Red Sox this year).  So now that the playoffs are here, and we're even past the Divisional Series, into the thick of it with the LCS games, I thought, "Hey, maybe I'll take in the BoSox game tonight."  And then I hit myself with a hammer.

And you ask, "Why, Italiangator, why oh why would you do that?"  Well, I'll tell you.  Because baseball is still boring.  And now that it's the playoffs, games become even longer.  You're sitting through 3+ hours hoping that something will happen in the last inning and a half.  It's rigoddamndiculous.  And let me say something else- everyone who ever says that soccer is boring is banned from ever watching baseball again, because when you compare two 45-minute halves of continuous action with a short break in the middle to a baseball game that's in commercial every 6 minutes, it's no contest.  Nor can anyone call soccer boring who only has ever watched an MLS game or a U.S. National game- that's like watching high school football on TV and coming away unimpressed. 

Anyways, as is clear by now, this post was solely conceived to pimp soccer and downgrade baseball (YOU DON'T DOWNGRADE A SPORT WHO COMES OUT EVERY DAY AND DOES ALL THE RIGHT THINGS!  YOU COME AFTER ME!  I'M A REAL SPORT!  I'M 40!- see, I knew I could bring it all back around to football)

At any rate, if you're looking for something to watch, throw on some Hawaii- while I might hate putting them in my blogpoll every week, they're still pretty damn entertaining.  Or, you can go out and have a real life with real people, but that's pretty overrated.  Just as overrated as baseball.

By italiangator on 10/11/2007 8:27 PM

7:34- If I hear the nickname "Mayday" again today I'm going to shoot my TV.

7:35- I need a new TV.

7:37- Comedy Central keeps showing the same Scrubs episodes over and over again.  Of course, they're the ones where Jordan's pregnant and has even larger cans than usual, so I'm still watching, but c'mon, give me some early season stuff, will ya? 

7:45- Enter Sandman?  Really?  I know Wake wasn't bad last year, but shouldn't they really be entering to something more like, I dunno, Wham?

7:48- Am I the only one who hates the intros that ESPN has people do now?  They add nothing worthwhile and typically can't name everyone in the time given.

7:49- FSU goes 3 and out.  Somebody get me the smelling salts, I'm floored.

7:51- X-scape with X-Lee?  C'mon Chris, you're better than that.

7:51- Well well well, ACC refs are more clueless than Alicia Silverstone- what the hell is going on here?

7:54- Refs still can't figure this out- the ball touched a Wake guy, recovered by FSU.  There was a penalty on Wake on the play, so they tell them to mark off the penalty and rekick (notwithstanding the fact that Wake did two things wrong and FSU did zero things wrong).  Jeeeeesus.  And Bobby is looking pleadingly at Chuck Amato, asking him to say something coherent because he can't.

7:56- 6 minutes later, still no resolution, instead we're going to go to the review.  Rigoddamndiculous.  I'll lay 3/1 that they can't get this right even after 10 minutes and an official review.

8:00- Whatever, this is a complete mess, now we're just giving FSU a first down back at the 42.  Screw it.

8:04- Shit, another punt?  This isn't going to go well.

8:13- For a game between two crappy teams that haven't done anything yet, this game is fairly exciting.  It's like watching a couple retarded rats fight over the reflection of a piece of cheese.  Nobody's getting anywhere but damn if you don't just keep watching.

8:14- First down!  Flag?  Nooooooo!

8:16- aaaaaaaaaand we're punting again.  Followed by a punt.  Blocked by FSU.  Recovered by FSU.  Fumbled by FSU.  Recovered by Wake.  First down Wake.  Dear sweet baby Jesus, all 8 lbs, 6 oz. of you, deliver us from this abomination.

8:22- and the first truly normal punt of the night is downed at the half-yard line by Wake.  Do you trust X-Lee not to take a safety?  Oh good, because I don't.

8:30- and FSU's starting to drive the ball- in X-Lee's defense though, I think a blind refugee could hit guys that are this wide open.  (yeah, that means I still think he sucks.)

8:31- Wake seems to be pretty content to stop the run here, and they're doing a pretty good job of it.  Unfortunately they're giving up 15-20 yds a pop through the air.

8:32- FSU and Georgia seem to have the same problem over the last few years- talented, skilled, gifted WRs who can't catch a cold.

8:34- Of course, when Lee is throwing passes that the Jolly Green Giant couldn't reach, their lack of hands doesn't really enter the equation.

8:43- I've come up with the only way someone's going to score anytime soon, but it involves Optimus Prime and the world's largest strawberry shortcake.  Guess we'll just keep watching a scoreless game.

8:45- Has any human being ever been worth less than Robbie Knieval?  Way to do something different and worthwhile, jackass.

8:50- How long do they keep in Lee before playing the QB musical chairs again?  I'd say middle of the 3rd quarter.  Of course, if Wake can't do anything on offense either, it may not matter.

8:51- Fowler characterizes it as "an offensive pillow fight"- I'd say that's reason enough.... 

8:55- and Wake takes it 70+ to the house, praise the Lord, I just might go to church this weekend.  No, no I won't.  That was a lie.  I'm sorry, God- are you there?  It's me, Italian.

8:59- Lee escapes the rush and throws it 50 yds on a rope, 1st and goal on the 5.  I'd say 50% chance they get points (not a TD, points).

9:00- Going backwards so far, 3rd and goal on the 7.  46% chance.

9:01- DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES?!?!?!  7-7, 5:46 left in the half.

9:04- "Flutie 4 Prez" sign spotted in the crowd- Wake Forest's admissions standards have clearly dropped.  Followed by discussion as to how all the Wake baseball players want to rail Erin Andrews and something about putting honey on the back of their jerseys.  Nothing weird about this at all, nothing to see, move it along.

9:08- Carr lets one go right through his hands.  My. surprise. is. palpable.

9:09- Lee fumbles the snap- a shotgun snap no less, Wake recovers at the FSU 19.  Wake Forest promptly fumbles on the next play, recovered by FSU.  This game is exceedingly odd.

9:12- 1st and goal again, set up by a long pass to Carr that was just a jump ball.  But he did catch it (kind of).  And then on 2nd and goal, same play- throw it up to the 6'6" guy and let him come down with it.  It may be ugly and dumb, but it's productive, which is more than you can say for FSU's offense last year against Wake.

9:17- Ouch, Skinner can't get out of bounds on the scramble, down to 7 seconds in the half- can't do much at this point, need another 10 yards for your kicker, but they do have timeouts.

9:18- 2 seconds, one play- what do you do?  WHAT DO YOU DO?!!  Oh, that's right, heave it to the endzone.

9:19- and Skinner throws it out of bounds, way to give your guys a chance to come down with it.  Ok, that's it, I'm winded- liveblogging is like a marathon, and we all know what happened to Pheiddipides, don't we?  No?  Well, he died.  He died.  Yeah, why don't you laugh about that.  I'm sure his wife and kids were laughing too, jackass.

 

By italiangator on 10/8/2007 8:41 PM

If two weeks could be equally opposed to each other in terms of their overall "terribleness" (yeah, I made up a word, screw off), these last two weeks have fit the bill.  Auburn was terrible in a Mississippi State '04 way (but at home, and with me in attendance).  It shouldn't have happened and there's nothing good to take out of it.  The only thing to do is to put it down to a vengeful and thoroughly mean Lord, weep a bit for the impending hellfire, realize that you can't have it on your conscious, and move on.

But this weekend was different.  This weekend was one that slipped away, we had the #1 team in the country by the short hairs and we let them go.  And despite the utter emptiness of being that comes with a loss, I'm actually okay with that.  Hell, I'm more relaxed than Jessica Alba realizing that she never has to work with Dane Cook again.

      Gratuitous?  You're damn right.

And why is that?  Because this team is about to be amazing.  And when I say about to be, I mean next year.  This year is still a crapshoot, and we've got some tough games coming up.  Kentucky in Lexington and USCe in Columbia are both going to be possible to lose, and Georgia is looking like a real team on some weeks.

But man, these kids are good.  Joe Haden is going to be a lockdown corner, Major Wright is going to deliver hits that can cause nightmares for weeks, Maurkice Pouncey held his own against a top 5 draft pick with 4 years of experience on him, and those are just some of the guys who have been thrust into the spotlight before it should have been necessary.  This team will be the prohibitive favorites to win the MNC next year, and they might just be good enough to live up to that sort of hype.  The LSU fans weren't chanting "Fuck Tebow" loud enough to be clearly heard on television because they think he sucks.  As the HBC used to say, if they like you, it's probably because they're beating you.  What does it say when they're beating you and they still hate you?  It says that you're more frightening than anything that's been around since the mid-90's. 

The rest of this season will be fun to watch, but fun in a "having sex with your new girlfriend who is willing to experiment and you never know what she's going to suggest next, it might be great or it might be awful, but either way it'll be fun finding out" kind of way.  Next year will be fun in a "80's rock star on tour, total domination of anything and everything, a rider that's 87 pages long, and having a running contest to see how many supermodels you can have sex with at once (and the current bar is set at 4)" kind of way.

And it's going to be damn fun.  And hopefully won't include the burning sensation.

By italiangator on 9/27/2007 1:51 PM

Auburn, prepare thyselves:  not only shall ye be smited by The Tebow, but ye shall face the wrath of the SafeRoom. 

                      Oh no you didnnnn't....

This should be fun.  If we're not back in 4 days, just wait longer.

By italiangator on 9/23/2007 9:29 AM

First of all, all of the pantywaist Florida fans bitching about 'We need a RB, Tebow can't run that much, he'll get hurt,' shut the fuck up.  Here's the newsflash:  Tebow can get hurt on any play, be it a pass, a run, or tripping over his giant schlong after handing the ball off.  Football is a dangerous sport, and if you're playing to protect yourself or the coaches are calling plays to protect you, the other team already has the advantage.  So quit your whining and go back to ironing the pleats into your skirt.

Kudos to Penn State for losing to Michigan, hope they don't have Wofford coming up on the schedule anytime soon.  I'm no one to mess with a legend, but the game has passed by Joe Pa just like it has passed by Lloyd Carr.  That these guys can't come up with a decent offensive scheme considering the ample videotape that's out there shows either that they're dumb (which I'm pretty sure isn't true) or that they're old and don't want to change (which I find much more likely).  I can certainly understand not wanting to change, hell, I myself haven't changed my underwear in six days, but that doesn't mean I should be a head ball coach. 

Kentucky scores 21 unanswered to end the game at Arkansas.  Gotta love the Arkansas crowd booing Casey Dick's dickalicious attempts to throw the ball, which certainly were terrible.  Of course it doesn't help when your receivers don't like to catch things that hit them in the hands.  Kentucky officially scares me, but then again so do lizards, so maybe I'm not the best authority on fear.  What happened to the good old days of the SEC, when you could count on dropping half a hundred on a completely overmatched Kentucky team.  'Sigh,' memories.  Also, the next announcer who cracks about how you only expect Kentucky to be good in basketball should have his balls forceably removed with a power saw.  Check the last two national champions in basketball to see how far that sort of thinking takes you.  Douche.

Major Applewhite is the offensive coordinator at Alabama.  That explains alot.  (Also, riddle me this:  what are the chances of a mediocre black quarterback getting a coordinator's position at a major college program a scant few years out of college?  Yeah, that's what I thought.)  In the end though, it was nice to see Bama fans be brought crushingly back down to earth.  Sorry, kids, but when your coach is doing things like bringing down innocent websites, well, let's just say that the karma of poon is a powerful mistress.

 

 

 

By italiangator on 9/22/2007 4:50 PM

No, not the burning that you picked up from that Chi O behind a tree in the Grove, but rather the burning hatred for an entire state that consumes Florida football fans.  Praise to the sweet baby Jesus that we finally escaped that gaping maw of a state with a victory, the first since 1994, which while it was ugly, was still effective.  If nothing else, it should impress people who only look at stats, not for the team itself, but for Tebow, who had over 420 yards of total offense and 4 TDs in the victory.

There's really not much to say about the game:  it started at 11:30 Central Time and we played like it.  The Rebels had a terrific scheme to stop the Gator passing attack, mainly dropping 8-9 players into Cover 2 on many plays, taking away everything outside of Tebow scrambles and short crossing routes.  Kyle Jackson gave up a TD pass, but on the plus side he was perfectly in position to get an INT in the 3rd quarter, which he promptly dropped.  In general, the defense continued a trend that is familiar under in the Urban Meyer era, of bend but don't break:  when the Rebels managed to make it inside the 20-yard line, the defense tended to stiffen, giving up merely field goals. 

In other games...

How does Louisville feel today?  Lose to Kentucky last week (which this year doesn't seem to be a particularly greivous offense, but still, it's Kentucky) and follow it up by losing to arguably the worst D-I team over the last 5 years, Syracuse.  Yes, Brohm passes for 555 yards, but good Lord, that's on 65 pass attempts.  If my defense was that ridiculously bad, I'd try to run the ball a little bit, but apparently Louisville is convinced that they can win through the air.  Hopefully this game disabuses them of that notion, just like the day when I thought I could masturbate 12 times in a 24 hour period (talk about disabuse).

Notre Dame scores!  Who gives a damn!

Penn State looks to be desperately trying to extend Michigan's dominance over them.  I don't want to say they've got a mental block against beating Michigan, but I fear that their collective psyche is more fragile than Britney when it comes to the Michigan game.  Of course, Michigan is terrible.  So they've got that going for them.  Which is nice.  (and who's the 'they' in that sentence?  We don't know!  It's a unspecified pronoun!  Owhoooo!)

 

By italiangator on 9/20/2007 9:26 PM

There's a proverbial purple elephant in the room that no one in college football wants to talk about this week.  When the University of Florida rolls into Oxford, Mississippi on Saturday, the two greatest forces in the world will be placed in direct opposition.  No, it's not a faceoff between quantum chromodynamics and quantum electrodynamics, it's not Channing Crowder's helmet against FSU players, it's worse than all of this.  We shall see the confrontation between The Tebow and The Orgeron. 

           

                           The world, circa September 23, 2007?

The Orgeron is 250 lbs. of raw Cajun manmeat, while The Tebow is quite possibly Jesus.  The Orgeron will scream at you mercilessly in what seems to be a foreign tongue, while The Tebow will make you try to offer him your wife/girlfriend/sex buddy as you bring him a roasted leg of lamb and an ice-cold Pepsi-Cola. 

In terms of internet legends, these two are probably the kings of the college football world.  Tales of their exploits abound across the blogosphere, and the blend of myth and truth is nigh impossible to separate.  There's only one thing I'm sure of when it comes to what will happen when these modern-day incarnations of Mars and Jupiter are within 50 feet of one another on Saturday:  no one will get out alive.

But goddammit, it'll be worth it.

By italiangator on 9/12/2007 10:25 PM

You know, there's a certain art that goes into football Saturdays:  if you don't plan things just right, you'll wind up passed out on the steps of St. Augustine's Church on University Avenue, as some lucky bastard gets to take your ticket out of your pocket and go to the game in your stead.  However, since I don't get to go to the game anyways this week, I'm going to map out a solid day of drinking and watching football for those of us sad enough to be confined to television-only football.

10:30 a.m.-  College Gameday, ESPN

        

                 Corso?  Baby arm?  Time for mental image purging.

Drink:  Alabama Slammer- let me emphasize this, 1 Alabama Slammer.  Any more than this, and you will be putting the rest of your viewing day at risk.  It's got just the right mix of refreshment, orange juice, and alcohol to wake you up and keep you going.  You'll be primed like never before, and it's one of the only drinks strong enough to let you cut through the Corso bullshit while getting to the yet still decent contributions of Herbstreit and Fowler.

12:00 p.m.- Pittsburgh at Michigan State, ESPN; Drink:  Iron City Beer 

       

                 Because they don't brew beer in East Lansing.

Remember, the 12 o'clock game is always useless, just a little string to get you through to the main events of the day.  At the same time, at this point you'll be feeling awake and alive, and you need to maintain for a while.  Hence, we salute one of America's most industrious (and, judging from the pollution, industrial) citites with this choice.  But come halftime, you're going to need to step things up a notch, seeing as kickoff is on its way.  That leads us to.....

2:30- The Dirk Diggler:  Half Jager, half root beer- again, like the Alabama Slammer, it's best to stick with one of these.

                           

                       'Scuse me while I...whip this out.

Unlike it's namesake, this drink goes down easy and smooth, so smooth that you won't even know it's there.  Therein lies the awesomeness of this drink:  you can put in as much Jager as you want, and it'll all taste the same.  Half an hour later, you're so ready for kickoff at 3:30 that all you've got to do is keep from putting a hole in the drywall and just keep telling everyone within earshot that Tim Tebow once got in a knife fight and the knife lost.

3:30- Tennessee-Florida, CBS; Drink:  Jameson on the rocks in one hand, Miller High Life in the other.  Remember, football is about preparation.  If you're not prepared, you'll wind up in a situation worse than that night when I found myself walking around with a sock on my Benjamin Franklin (expected John Hancock, didn't you, you lazy bastard) trying to get a ride back from Ciudad Juarez after the Caiman found me on top of Senorita Vazquez.  And, since football is also about swings of momentum, you'll be feeling ok by halftime, bringing us to.......

5:15- Halftime; Drink- 1 funnel from the Gator Head for every point that Florida is winning by (or, if not winning, 2 funnels for every point that needs to be recouped).  Because if that doesn't help ensure victory, then I've been living my life based on a lie.  And let's face it, that belief has worked out alot better than my previous one that God loved me.  Thanks, December 1, 2001.

All of which brings us to 7:00, the time when this guide becomes a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure.

        

             By the beard of Zeus!

Things have either gone awesomely right at this point or dangerously wrong.  Actually, upon further review, this isn't a CYOA- that's the great thing about football, that there's one solution for two situations.  And that answer is....you guessed it.... 

               

Distilled, or straight from God's penis to your mouth?  You decide.

I once had a girl tell me that alcohol doesn't solve anything.  And I said "You're right, it doesn't.  But it sure lets me ignore the fact that your tits could stand to be upgraded."  Girls love it when you're honest.

By italiangator on 9/9/2007 9:14 PM

Well, that was interesting- a half of flawless football followed by a half that displayed incompetence not seen since Alberto Gonzales finally got the hell out of Washington.  But I'm not particularly concerned with what happened, and I'd say with the youth on this team that it was probably the best thing that can happen before the Tennessee River Tinselfairies come to town next week.

And let's not forget that Troy, while not being particularly strong, did win a bowl game last year and has certainly given people more legitimate scares through the years.  While FSU's threat level was at Orange (24-17 in 2006), the level on Saturday was never above a light mauve.   In the end, the letdown in the 2nd half is only going to give some good film to watch and an opportunity for the coaches to fly off the handle on some guys during practice this week.

That's the key to the patsy weeks- you don't want to dominate 8 quarters.  You want to get by comfortably while making a decent number of mistakes, which is exactly what happened against WKU and Troy.  And as Coach Meyer said, "We're 2-0. There are a lot of teams around the country that aren't 2-0."

I'm sure the Caiman del Pantano will have a full wrapup of the game coming, so I just wanted to remind everyone to keep the proper perspective on what happened Saturday:  Troy got waxed like an actress applying for a secretarial position, UF had a solid half of effort before the team decided to head to the Porpoise for drinks at halftime (forgetting that that particular luxury was only afforded during the SOS years).

                                                      

                                                         Bar pic, or the lockerroom at halftime of the Troy game?  You decide.