Holale Vatos! Wasssaaapppinin,
Caiman del Pantano here, and glad to be back to deliver this weeks prognosis. Gators win ugly, but win nonetheless. This means two things A) the Gators remain undefeated heading into REVENGE (ß There is an obligatory yell required with this word) MATCH week and B) Ole Miss alum, John Grisham loses his bet with the Caiman and now must pen a novel about a small town southern attorney who, while on vacation, becomes stranded in a Mexican prison and must be defended by an overweight luchador and his pet ass Honcho. If you don’t understand our legal system, you might think this is a comedia. You’d be wrong though, es an intense drama with occasional comedy musings from Honcho. Maybe Caiman’s good amigo Tebowsmash will lend El Rally Ass for casting when Hollywood comes looking to buy the rights.
The Gators looked sleepy on Saturday, starting out slow, and ending slow. Apparently the aroma of Jack Daniels mixed with Chanel No. 5 can lull even the most rambunctious of monsters to sleep. There was No 50+ point game. No 30+ point blow out. And No more talk about how the Gators belong atop the most elite teams in the National title hunt. Take a lesson from me friends; when people are out to get you, you must only act like you are asleep and then surprise your opponent with a vicious series of attacks to the mouth and genitals.
HA HA HA! You thought you could sneak up on Caiman after 27 beers. WRONG AGAIN MI AMOR! Now get into bed naked and willing!
Here is what I learned…
Gators secondary is still more porous and greasy than a 13 year old’s face. They slip on a lot of coverage and leave some wide open holes. Holes big enough for Pancho Villa to drive an army through. Que? You are not familiar with that expression, no? Mistakes are ok, as long as they don’t cost you the game. I’d rather learn like this, than at Baton Rouge. Nothing new in the defensive backfield though with so much youth and the fact that…
We still can’t get a good pass rush. Javier Estopian and Clint McMillan are good at stopping the run, but don’t get much push from the inside on the pass rush. The results are similar from the outside with Derrick Harvey and Jermaine Cunningham, not to mention the endless supply of freshmen behind these four. If they are going to keep pillow fighting with offensive lines, it’s time they start slipping some pool balls into those cases and knock some putas out! If the defensive front keeps allowing quarterbacks enough time to take a siesta and still make the pass, then good quarterbacks like Matt Flynn, Andre Woodson, or Matt Stafford are going to make our defense look like . Es a damn good thing we’ve still got…
Tim Tebow and Percy Harvin. While nary a spectacular play was made between them, their natural athletic talent carried the load, and slowly bled the Rebels to death. Percy Harvin is muy impressive, slicing and dicing defenders like he is a paid actor promoting the Ginsu knife and they are his sample shoe. But after witnessing my 4th straight football contest, I must say Tim Tebow will have a very successful life as a professional football player OR a SWAT team battering ram.
Tim Tebow, as envisioned by Stan Lee and Ole Miss Linebackers.
Tebow will huff, and puff, and run your motha-f’n house over little pigs. How scientists grafted Steve Young’s left arm onto a Larry Csonka clone, I’ll never know! If I had to guess, its probably that same visionary doctor from Jurassic Park. At least scientists all over the world can stop the Human Genome project. Whatever questions remained…Tim Tebow is the answer. Problem solved science geeks! Now get back to studying weird science where super hot women come out of computer box. DO IT NOW! Finding a suitable, disease free partner is easier said than done south of Santiago Papasquiaro.
A much worthier project to the Caiman than the Human Genome Project
If Tebow showed one hint of weakness, he had a game where he locked onto receivers and did not spread the ball around much. There is no reason whatsoever for guys like C.I. to get one pass. His name is initials and that is intimidating. I once went with C.P. for a while, but dropped it due to an unfortunate coincidence with the English language. See Pee? See Pee? Oh, Second grade can be so, so cruel. I would steal SO MANY CUPS FROM MY FORMER WEAK SELF!
Coach Meyer will have the Gators ready to play because he knows that REVENGE is involved. Something called the Auburn Plain War Tigerglesman are coming to be eaten alive at the first night event in the Swamp. REVENGE is one of my favorite hobbies and I am very much looking forward to seeing it enacted. WOOOOOOO REVENGE!!!
Until then…Adios Gator Fans!
~~Caiman del Pantano