Hola College Football Conquistadors!
You Americans and your theatrical charades! Ever since Wrestlemania I in 1985, when Hulk Hogan and Mr. T defeated Rowdy Roddy Piper and Mr. Wonderful, you all have been masterminds when it comes to the perfect combination of performance and inflicting pain. I, too, am a student of this American ingenuity.
First, the Caiman sizes you up and attacks quickly. You are pulverized for the first 4 rounds, kind of like the way I pulverized that two-pound burrito at Rosalita’s café yesterday. But then all of the sudden, you let your opponent back in the match. It’s for show. Well, show AND because the Caiman’s amigo Jorge Juarez placed wagers that I win in 7th round. It’s muy importante that the challenger beat up on me for a round or two, kind of like the way Rosalita’s two-pound burrito worked me over a little this morning.
Rosalita tried to pass this baby off as a side dish for the two-pounder. Give me my damn chips and salsa woman! Keep your baby or I will steal his sippy cup. CUPS!!!
But then, just when mi opposition is starting to get his self worth back again, I TAKE IT AWAY! Usually with the help of a folding chair, a flag poll, or something blunt like that. I even used a stray goat once that happened walk by the ring as I was grabbing wildly for an objeto to use. HAHA, what a good day that was! That goat and I had cervezas together after the match. I drank them and he ate the cans. Who says I don’t recycle? SERIOUSLY, WHO! I will claw their eyeballs out with my elbows! The Caiman del Pantano is very “green friendly” and concerned about his carbon footprint.
Where was I? Yes, the game. I now see that the Mighty Gators of Gainesville have appropriately learned and applied this tactic to their game-plan. The Gators put on a clinic in the first half, looking like only Jesus himself could stop the offensive production. Every time the Senores from Troy punched you in the face, you punched them back in the face six times, and then kicked them in the balls once. Harvin, Moore, Tebow, Fayson, Caldwell, and Ingram all found their way to the fiesta in the endzone. 49-7. It was a half to remember.
NOBODY fucks wit da Jesus. Not even you Urban.
But then, it was time to pull the fans back in. People all across Florida shelled out hard earned pesos to watch this game on Pay Per View, and it was your responsibility to make sure they had a game to watch. So the Gators let Troy have a few mercy scores. Hey, they got padres y madres too.
Bubba Caldwell decided to test the reverse flexibility of the rubberband parts in his knee and whoops, there is a fumble. Chris Rainey, who has two capable MCLs, but a case of the freshman fumbly fingers, and whoops, another fumble. Apparently, he is too busy thinking about Florida’s muchachas blancas, but then again, what 18-year old isn’t? I was beginning to think mi amigo Jorge had worked out a deal with Coach Meyer so Troy covered the spread. That Jorge! He’s always rigging events to his advantage.
The Gators were getting slapped around with a vulnerable D and a stalling O. I became so bored at one point, that I made one of the local children steal a cup from me so I could chase him down and steal it back. The Gators were in too long of a stretch without inflicting pain, I will do it for them. YOU’LL NEVER TAKE THE CAIMAN’S CUPS LITTLE NINOS!!!!!
YOU LITTLE NINOS WILL NEVER LEARN!!! I AM UNDEFEATED AGAINST CHILDREN WHO TAKE THE CAIMAN'S CUPS!!
After I got the blind rage towards children out of my system, I realized what was about to happen…the final blow. And who better to do it, than Luchador in training…TIM TEBOW!
Yes, after being outscored 24 – 3 in the second half, this man-child among college students drove 80 yards with runs of 25 and 16 to plow a stake into the heart of his opponent. TEBOW! TEBOW! TEBOW! Oh, lo siento, I get caught up thinking about the pain Troy’s players must have felt. I would have liked to have been a bug on the wall to hear all the whining on the bus back to Alabama. Probably a bee, so I could sting a coach or something. Es a noble death.
The production was complete. Ass-whooping. Play Dead. Final Strike. It’s the formula for every great wrestling match and apparently a hobby of the Florida Football team. But heed this warning Gators: Only toy with an opponent you know you can destroy at a moments notice, like FAU, or possibly Ole Miss. Destroy Tennessee from start to finish or you may pay the price of defeat. Wow, that was deep for the Caiman. I always told mi papa that my philosophy degree from Universidad de las Americas – Puebla campus would pay off. Mi papa taught me everything I know about lucha libre, but he did not believe en estudiando. He said the only thing brains are for are mashing with my fists and on a personal level, killing with cerveza. Not your after-school-special type roll model, but when you eat the souls of fellow luchadors for a living, you teach your kids what you know. We wrestle every Cinco de Mayo in a bed of fire ants for pride and country. Viva Mexico!
Caiman del Pantano Sr. - Retired or not, still dangerous around booze and fire ants.
Ok, I will see you next week and we shall dance together over the beaten corpses of creamsicle orange bodies. Until then, celebrate your dos victories with Dos Equis! If you don’t, they will stop paying me to mention them and I will be forced to kill you all.
Hasta la vista!
~~ Caiman del Pantano