By Gator Head Funnel on 9/24/2008 4:18 PM

By Gator Head Funnel on 9/8/2008 9:31 AM

Dear Coach Shannon,

Your tears are thirst quenching and delicious.  Now give us our damn Canoe.

Regards,

The Gator Safe Room

By italiangator on 9/4/2008 10:08 AM

You bitches thought I was gone.  And you know what?  You were right, for about three seconds.  (That's what she said.)  I let you keep thinking it through the first week of the season.  Let's face it, the first few weeks suck.  We love them only because it's been nine long-ass months since we've had college football, but in reality they suck, filled with games that might look like they could be ok, but really aren't.  USCw-UVA?  Sucked.  LSU-App. St.?  Sucked.  USCe-NC State.  Holy God, sucked monkey balls.  Seriously, anyone who watched that game and then saw USCe show up in the Top 25 is now convinced that people are irrepressible idiots destined to blow themselves up in a freak incident involving Big Blue, Dubya and a pack of Twizzlers. 

But anyhoo, it's now getting to the second week, so I decided to bust out the whooping stick on your ears again.  We'll get to this weekend soon enough, but for now it's enough to know that football's back in a few hours- at least as much as USCe-Vandy should be considered a game.  But let me be the first to tell you that notwithstanding the obvious move of benching Beecher and starting Smelley, USCe will yet again find their stint in the Top 25 cut short by a Vandy team that scares the bejeezus out of me even in September.  Seeing Vandy coming at you out of the chute is like seeing Amy Winehouse coming at you on the sidewalk.  You aren't scared that she can take you, but she could stab you with an infected needle, thus scarring you for life.  I was going to insert a photo here, but decided against it because I never want to see either Amy Winehouse or Vandy ever again.  But I do like gratuitous pics, so here's everyone's favorite unemployed (until the end of the Open) tennis star.

Where the white women at? /Chris Rainey'd

(Oh yeah, Chris Rainey would steal your women.  But he won't.  Because Jeff Demps got there first.)

 

 

By Gator Head Funnel on 9/3/2008 9:19 PM

The University of Florida will be hosting ESPN's College Gameday this weekend broadcasting live from outside the Swamp.  Our Gators will be making a record 28th appearance on the show (The OSU finds themselves in a all-too-familiar spot at #2 for those interested - 22 appearances).

In honor of the occasion, my good friend "Hurricane1" shared with me his idea for a Gameday sign - "The Last Time Florida Beat Miami...Erin Andrews Was Flat."  It's downright the most clever thing I've ever heard from him, or any Miami fan for that matter.  1985, it was a damn fine year, if only because I got my first sweet ass Trapper Keeper.

On to the rebuttal!  It's only fair that I be allowed my own renditions of Gameday signs.  So without further ado...

By Gator Head Funnel on 9/1/2008 8:47 PM

We said aloha to Hawaii. Now we say aloha to Hawaii and aloha to Miami.  Confused?  Well you wouldn’t be if you just took some damn time to learn the native tongue of King Kamehameha.  Guess the Gator Safe Room is gonna have to redshirt you this year while you order your Rosetta Stone software, Polynesian illiterate. 

Aloha! Moi hele' kake moli moli tuua ah ah ah!  TRANSLATION: Hello/Goodbye! Do you like my giant radish helmet ah ah ah!

 

Speaking of illiterates in any language but espanol (and even then it’s iffy) – let’s talk Miami, our north Cuban rivals, the Randy Shannonites, or as they emphasize with such mastery of the English language…da U. 

Prior to this Saturday’s game at 8PM in the Swamp, it appears the battle has already begun between the Hurricanes and the Gators over this simple moniker.  It stems from a quote given yesterday by Louis Murphy, who decided a little friendly smack talk would build anticipation for the game.  Murphy also must have figured there is little chance Ray Lewis will murder him for this.  Note, I didn’t say “no chance whatsoever,” so note to Louis: buddy up with Ronnie, sorry, Ron Wilson this week.

 

“We're the 'U,'” Murphy said. “I don't refer to them as the 'U.' I refer to them as Miami. If the 'U' is for university and winning championships, we're the 'U.' They are Miami, and that's what I call them.”

 

Oh. Snap.

 

That’s right putas.  We are no longer going into your kitchen, stealing your cheese, and making a sandwich…we’re stealing your shitty ass moniker.  And we did it from the comfort of our own Hogtowne couches, while playing Guitar Hero Aerosmith, on fucking expert! Why?  Because we can.  And it goes great in our nickname collection that includes “THE Ohio State,” “Kentucky” and/or “Wildcats,” and “**Vandy Dandies.”

**Attempts have been made to return this nickname, but even Vanderbilt refuses to take it back. We regret stealing it in the 18th century.

 

Can you blame us for taking it?  We hadn’t taken anything from you since 1985 until Matt Patchan.  Now, with “da U,” we’re on a damn roll.  A roll that will continue on Saturday night like a rolling steamroller over a roll of tootsie rolls.  I wanted to use specific “rolly” imagery to emphasize the speed and veracity of this roll we are on.  Roll. Roll. Roll.   

 

Know your rolls!

In your current nomenclature predicament, here are some suggestions that might help you re-find your identity.

 

“Da You” – Selfless baby.  Selfless.  It’s all about da YOU.

“Da Ewe” – You could be the meanest female sheep.  Ever.  Biblical scary.

“Da Yu” – Could be big with the asian recruits…eh?  Think about it rearry harrrd.

“Da W” – Double U…that’s twice the power of only 1 “U.”  How have you never thought of this.

 

But I tell you what…in the spirit of good sportsmanship, we will give back “da U” at the conclusion of Saturday night’s contest.  Frankly, it’s stupid and sounds retarded when every one of your gazillion former players introduces himself with it during first drives in NFL games.  We never wanted it anyway.  We just want to defile it in front of you this Saturday.  And we will.  We are a high profile porn producer and your precious nickname is an 18 year old blonde from Kansas who came to Hollywood to be a movie star and will do anything to break into the film industry.  We won’t use lube.  Every orifice is game.  The test shoot will last for a delightful 4 hours.  And Louis Murphy is giving the money shot.  

Following all that, “da U” is all yours again Miami. 

This guy will be happy to have "U" back on Sunday.

 

After all, you won’t be able to spell Humanitarian Bowl without dat “U.” 

By saltygator on 8/31/2008 7:47 PM

It all started while I was throwing the keg in the truck... Some dude offered to help me, not in the "We are badass beer drinkin' brothers" mode, but more of a "hey pops, you need help gettin'  to the blue parkin' space" mode.  Now three days into the 5 day college football opening I'm looking around me and the only other sucker standing is that keg of Miller Lite. Of course, we killed the keg of Coors Lite ( my preferred libation), but all things considered, the SafeRoom regulars fell out early.  The old man is still hanging, and Monday Night College Football, could redefine how I arrange my week.

P.S. I hope my liver doesn't expect the same break it get's after bowl season.

By saltygator on 8/28/2008 7:19 PM

I think this news report says it all... After all his platform of Favorite "B"s sold me.

 

By Gator Head Funnel on 8/28/2008 12:22 PM

By Gator Head Funnel on 6/27/2008 2:17 PM

One of the GSR's favorite pastimes is joking about all the wonderful "B's" found on this green earth.  Beer.  Bourbon.  Bacon.  Beautiful Babes' Busty Boobs.   You catch my drift.

Well our fearless leader, Salty Gator, has decided to introduce his spawn to a "B" must on every Salt-Lifer's list - the Bahamas.  Even better, he's doing it by boat.   Despite the fact that he's sharing 30 ft. of  sailboat with 3 chillins, a stowaway mutt and the ol' lady, it will be the easiest 17 days to count down until next football season.  Ever.

On that note, we wish you luck sailor! May you leave all the mother tubbers behind, fly that spinnaker proudly, and be prepared for anything that may lie beneath the deep blue.  Yarrrrrrrrr!

- Gator Head Funnel

By Gator Head Funnel on 6/2/2008 1:16 PM

Ahhhhh, how refreshing it is to have a couple of weeks back-to-back with no news of bystander freshmen offensive linemen being shot or members of your defensive secondary pushing the immoral limits of credit card fraud against the deceased.  Yes, quiet weeks in May, June and July are nothing but good weeks.

Alas, the newswire does have some hot & steamy news for the Gator brethren and I mean that in the most literal way.  12:30pm – August 30, 2008, welcome to your Florida football season.  Please direct all appreciation and thanks to Raycom sports

Yes, those broadcasting pioneers at Raycom Sports (formerly Lincoln Financial, which was formerly Jefferson Pilot, not to be confused with Jefferson Starship, which was formerly Jefferson Airplane and is now just Starship, who built this city…on rock and roll) have hopped aboard the Meyer, Harvin, Tebow train to kick-off their 2008 season of 180 p HD magic.  Yes, you read that right.  Hey, that SEC humidity really fogs up them lenses without a good coat of Vaseline on em! 

Unknown Fact: Jefferson Pilot actually flew both Jefferson Airplane and Jefferson Starship.  No one flew Starship because it was an intergalactic battle cruiser and it flew itself bitch.

Really though, I don’t have much of a problem with being selected.  Aside from having to tailgate early, the pros probably outweigh the cons. 

Free TV > Pay Per View – Even if the cameras are on lease from the CBS museum of television history. 

Is there really THAT much difference between the ball sweltering, gasoline fire, hell’s flame thrower heat from 12:30 – 3:30 pm than the 100 bitches in a bitch boat, volcanic ejaculate, habanera heat from 3:30 – 6 pm.  (Yeah, first usage of ejaculate in 08!!!) 

By the way, the answer is “no.” 

+

=

12:30 pm August game OR 3:30 pm August game.  It's multiplication by Zero...the same damn result.

Heat wouldn’t be a problem for these teams if the game was played on the outskirts of an equatorial rain forest, on fire, with a field surrounded by ovens.  It’s Hawaii and Florida, they’ll manage to play a fine game of pigskin under the sun.  Some how. Some way. 

Do you have any idea what time a 12:30 pm kickoff is in America’s 50^th state?  Neither do I, but depending on observance of daylight savings, I’m guessing it’s probably 7:30 am.  Lost has completely ruined my understanding of island time, so it could very well be 6:19 pm in the evening.  However, if it is 7:30 am, and the Hawaii players have had a long trip losing hours, I expect them to be sleepwalking through the first half.  +1 Gators. 

Raycom week 1 leads to no Raycom week 2.  Meaning?  Miami = ESPN2 night game = tailgate promise land.  More time to feed my leg booze and weigh it down for the inevitable kick to hurricane1's junk.  I'm going to sapelo assassin your future offspring.

So mark it on your calendar el Capitan of the GSR.  12:30 pm – August 30, 2008 – Raycom sports – Hawaii @ Florida.  The clock is officially ticking down to pulled pork and victory 1.

- Gator Head Funnel

By saltygator on 5/18/2008 9:20 PM

So what do you do in the off-season? Is it Orange and Blue? Mine is! Nauti told me the other day, "Everthing doesn't have to be Orange and Blue." I disagree..  So Nauti, GatorTail, GHF, Surfin', Pimpin, Robbie and I tried out my  latest project today....

 

Read More »

By Gator Head Funnel on 5/8/2008 3:32 PM

Popcrunch has done us all a favor to savor this offseason, becoming another website to try and objectively order the hottest co-ed student bodies in America… Kudos to them for placing 10 of the 12 SEC schools in the top 25. (UT-25, UK-23, Bama-18, Arky-13, UGA-9, Auburn-8, USCe-6, Ole Miss-5, UF-4 winnah!)  Check it out, but keep in mind, probably NSFW.

SEC women...WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I’d say this looks pretty accurate to any SEC fan’s description of our women.  Or for how a college football poll should look. But even SEC fans can agree that Miami doesn’t belong in either poll.  Their prettiest women are on the football team.  YEAH, suck on that hurricane1.  We’ll see you in September when we’re gonna drop 60 on you and party like its 1985!

There are some blatant misfires in the rankings, FSU above UF, UNC, Texas, UCLA, other big, busty, blonde gigantor schools, etc…waaaay too low, and Duke slipped in at 30.  Whaaaa? Guess that solves it.  Steve Spurrier has his name all over this puppy.  Respect those first employers any chance you get SOS.  DUUUUUUUUUKE! #30 now, #25 in the preseason!

- Gator Head Funnel

By Gator Head Funnel on 5/8/2008 2:46 PM

Last minute 2007 signing day coup and 5-star safety prospect Jerimy Finch has been released from his scholarship and plans to transfer.  Finch had the early makings of a defensive star in the making with numerous special teams tackles and an INT in the home Tennessee blowout last season; consequently the same play that ended his season with a broken right leg.  Rumors have incessantly followed news of Finch; homesickness, academic problems, position opinion differences with coaches and a distance issue between he, his son and baby momma back in the hoosier state have all been heard through the grapevine since his matriculation. 

I, for one, hate to see talented individuals individuals leave the depth chart, but I also don't see the point in keeping a player that doesn't want to wear the orange and blue...especially if they WANT to play for Indiana. 

No worries Gator fans, Urban Meyer has offered the open scholarship to Jennie Finch to save costs on jersey replacements.  Urb's always thinking of gimmicks AND fiscal responsibility! The NCAA has yet to make an eligibility ruling.

Tebow could always use more partners for "pitch and catch" on the sideline...why not an olympic athlete.

- Gator Head Funnel

By Gator Head Funnel on 4/28/2008 10:26 PM

Last Thursday, Tim Tebow visited Florida’s State Capitol, immediately laughing at the irony that Florida, so aptly dubbed by Homer Simpson as "America’s Wang” has a phallic capitol building.  He, like everyone else, was less impressed when finding out that it’s never been laid, even by that slutty Atlanta capitol in a red blouse and skin tight black pants.  Should’ve grown your hair out like you don't care Florida Capitol!  

We'll be gentle Georgia - Now come give America's Wang's Wang some love!

Tebow was there to be honored by the Florida Senate and Florida House of Representatives for his achievements on and off the field.  But who are we fucking kidding, mostly on the field.  Not a single elected official could tell you how many Philippine orphans he’s helped, but they’ll regurgitate rushing and passing numbers like stat boy wannabes.  The Senate and House each passed a resolution recognizing the quarterback’s off-field and on-field achievements.  Taking infatuation a step further, the Florida Senate bestowed a Medallion of Excellence to the rising Junior, the highest honor the chamber can award.  What?  No Magic Orb of Preeminence? No Crown of Superiority?  Seriously, Tebow has a Heisman trophy.  He’ll be doing the Medallion of Excellence a favor if he even displays it on the same shelf as his James E. Sullivan award.  Google it.  I bet it takes you ten pages to find another recipient of the prestigious award.  You would think they created the award just to give it to Tebow, but alas, they did present one to Barrington Irving this month also.  Who’s that you say; a stellar wide-out for FSU?  Nope, only the youngest person and the first black pilot to fly around the planet solo.  Jeez, culture up Gator fan.  Besides, FSU wide-outs are lucky to find the planet on a chart of the solar system.  It used to be a lot easier when 3^rd Rock from the Sun was still on the air.

 

Florida State Astronomy 101

It was a good day overall. Tebow added to his numerous accolades, kept up his 66% pass completion percentage because Speaker Marco Rubio could only catch 2 of 3, and hung out with Governor Charlie Crist in the office he shall one day occupy.  He also got to announce to the world “I’m not afraid to be high profile and own one damn suit.”  Kudos Tim.  Dance to the beat of your own style drum.  You’re in college and can spend money on much better things. ::cough:: beer ::cough::  Just drop by Men’s Warehouse before the 2010 draft.     

 

Tim Tebow: Has an "Award Suit," but a smaller dry cleaning bill than you! Sucka.

- Gator Head Funnel

By Gator Head Funnel on 4/26/2008 7:02 PM

Soothsayer Pete Fiutak with Fox Sports has done us all the HUGE favor of predicting the 2008 BCS bowls and title game.  And to the delight of Gainesvillians and chagrin of the entire state of O-h i-o, he’s got Florida facing off with THE  Ohio State University Official Second-place University in South Florida for all the marbles.    

Everyone outside of the states that seem to decide every U.S. Presidential election have responded with a resounding “mehhhhh.”  Except for Georgia that is, who would choke on this title game like Mama Cass on a ham sandwich.  

 

We'll gladly entertain the Bucknuts for another 4 quarters...we just haven't been willing to sell with the state of the real estate market and all.

While it’s really too far out to even begin making reservations for Miami, even the dumbest college football beat writers can assume that the winners of the OSU-USC game and UF-UGA games have the inside track to being named champs.  I guess Pete concurs with the notion that Knowshon is no shoe-in for notchin’ another national title in Georgia’s trophy belt.     Suck on that Dawgs!  Your preseason over-hype doesn’t extend to Pete Fiutak.  Like us, he knows that Tebow >  Moreno.

 

May all your 2008 predictions come true oh wise, wise Pete Fiutak. Well, all except for the Britney comeback...we frankly like new, crazy Brit waaaaaay more.

Damn good to be back Gator Safe Room.  We’ll be here all summer waiting for the clock to tick down to zero.

- Gator Head Funnel

By italiangator on 1/19/2008 5:40 PM

Ah, college football and drinking- a match made in the devil's heaven.  In that vein, NH Gator and I have been sitting around here, watching football, but there's a bit of a lull in the early evening hour.  In that lull, we must place something.  Now, some of you may say, "Not every blank space in life must be filled by alcohol."  And that may be correct.  But I'm guessing that anyone who would say that isn't reading this blog.  And if you are, stop reading this blog.  So without further ado, the GatorSafeRoom presents...

THE "IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA" DRINKING GAME

1) When the gang has a drink= one drink.

2) When the gang makes Dee feel inadequate= one drink.

3) When someone pulls out a gun= one drink.

4) When Dennis displays his vanity= one drink.

5) When the gang says "shit"= one drink.

6) When Dennis says "Bro" or "Dude"= one drink.

7) When Mac flexes= one drink.

8) When the gang refers to Dee as "Sweet Dee"= one drink.

9) When Charlie displays his illiteracy= two drinks.

10) When a fight breaks out= two drinks.

11) When the McPoyles imply incest= two drinks.

12) When Frank calls someone a "whooore"= two drinks.

13) When Charlie does inhalants= three drinks.

14) When Charlie dances= three drinks.

15) When you hear Rick Astley= four drinks.

Go forth, and play this game.  And if you don't score with that cute chick from the coffee shop, it's probably our fault.  Yeah, you didn't score tonight because we gave you these rules, we made you watch TV instead of going out to the club.  Fucking hell, stop blaming me and start looking in the goddamn mirror, you piece of shit.  Jesus.

By Gator Head Funnel on 1/4/2008 8:15 PM

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By Gator Head Funnel on 1/1/2008 6:25 PM

Are we worse than App St.?  Fuckin' A.

By Gator Head Funnel on 12/18/2007 4:58 PM

It has come to my attention that those of the Hurricane and Seminole pedigree find their Gator brethren’s excitement over Tim Tebow a little too much to handle; it’s an obsession they are tired of hearing about.  Who can blame them?  Tebow scored 16 more touchdowns and had less than a quarter of the picks of Drew Weatherford (9 TD/INT 1), Xavier Lee (8 TD/INT 5), Kirby Freeman (3 TD/INT 6), and Kyle Wright (15 TD/INT 14) – Combined. 

U R PWND!

Their dislike for Tebowmania doesn’t stem from hatred for Florida’s golden boy, it’s clearly a case of QB envy.  We’ve got a National Champion/Heisman winner more than capable of running the offense and they have field captains that couldn’t find the endzone even if they had a map.  Maybe because they can’t read a map – Damn those low academic standards!  They still couldn’t find the endzone if it was at the end of one of those mazes on a Denny’s paper kids menu.  Even with the expert tutelage of offensive geniuses Jimbo Fisher and Patrick Nix, and those guys are totally awesome with crayons and mazes. 

I take it back...FSU QB's can get through the maze with the help of FSU's academic advisors.  They provide ALL the answers. Everytime!

Now I’m not saying that Miami and FSU’s quarterback situations can’t change in a season’s time.  They can.  It might very well be Robert Marve for the Canes and EJ Manuel for the Noles; only time will tell.  But in the offseason, our in-state rivals might want to get used to hearing more about Tebow.  Because here is how we see the next few months going down keeping Tebow in the bright spotlight of stardom right up until the 2008 season: 

- 1972 Dolphins’ Mercury Morris clubs Cleo Lemon in the knee ala Nancy Kerrigan.  Larry Csonka slips Tim Tebow a John Beck jersey and ties up Beck and leaves him in the broom closet of a Mormon Church.  Tebow defeats Tom Brady and melts all the snow in Foxboro.  That Tebow, he’s so hot right now!  Champagne with the undefeated Phins ensues! 

Selfish records never tasted sooooo sweet! Thanks Tebow!

- Florida beats Michigan by 60 points, but Tebow will be held to under 750 yards and 9 touchdowns. 

- Mike Huckabee, Rudy Giuliani, and John McCain get into skirmish on National television over who gets to appoint Tebow as their Vice Presidential candidate.  Carry Florida AND the Christian Right?!?!  You can’t lose!        

- Governor Charlie Crist appoints Tim Tebow as interim director of the Florida Office of Insurance Regulation.  Property Taxes finally drop like a rock…OUT OF FEAR!! 

- Makes appearance as guest on American Idol.  Accidentally wins in landslide.  Paula hits on Tebow, but her advances deflect to the floor without his notice like most hits from women or Seminole linebackers. 

Hey Timmy, I'll polish your Heisman.  And by Heisman, I mean your ::hiccup, hiccup:: What was I saying.  Mmmm, horse tranqs.

- Travels to Gobbler’s Knob.  Punxsutawney Phil’s shadow takes refuge in Siberia.  Summer comes early.  Unfortunately, that also means baseball. 

- Speaking of which, Tebow hired as hitting consultant for Marlins under Freddie Gonzalez.  Marlins go .500.  Still VERY good. 

Even after harnessing the power of Tebow - still, not much better.

- Travels to Beijing for Olympic Games.  Takes gold medal in Table Tennis, Steeple Chase, Heavyweight Boxing, and Men’s 10 meter platform diving – No splash! He also takes 3^rd individually in Still Rings at Men’s Gymnastics.  DAMN YOU FRENCH JUDGE! 

- Visits family mission in Philippines.  Stops deadly Tsunami by sneezing.  First time pet dander ever proves useful. 

- Negotiates deal ending Hollywood writers strike.  ABC’s LOST re-airs.  Tebow rescues survivors of Oceanic Flight 815. 

Ben: Save everyone you wish Mr. Tebow, just don't take Kate. Please!

Ben: Noooooooo! Damn you Tebow!

- Drives in Daytona 500 in car painted like American Flag.  Wrecks every Toyota driver and beats the shit out of an angry Tony Stewart in garage.  Hey, shoulda stayed with Chevy Smoke.

- Hurricane1's special lady friend demands he give it to her from behind.  Easier to imagine Tebow back there.  With the exception of the size shortcommings of course.

- GHF

By Gator Head Funnel on 12/15/2007 9:48 PM

It's no secret that God plays a small role in Gator QBs winning the Heisman seeing as all three of our former winners had fathers who were/are men of the cloth.  That's why Rex finished second, Shane did no better than 7th, and Chris Leak, Jessie Palmer, Doug Johnson, Terry Dean, etc... never even sniffed the Downtown Athletic Club.  We won't win anychampionships this year (especially with Billy D's young squad struggling to beat Georgia Southern on a neutral court), but if anything tells me the Gator Universe is still aligned, it's this:

If you can't smile about this one Gator fans, check your pulse.

- GHF